Humor

Want Ad: Apartment.

Have a preference for a sun-filled bedroom so that I no longer need an alarm clock or an iPhone to rouse me from my deep, Oxycontin-induced slumber. Hopefully, there are few neighbors across the way, or are at least at some distance, for I do enjoy taking my rest in as little as possible, that is to imply my preference is for absolutely nothing. I find it helps me to commune deeper with myself.

Speaking of communing, would enjoy a neighborhood where glitter-yoga and community kale brewing is not just a thing, but a daily celebration. While I am certain this area will be particularly expensive to live in, and therefore I do and must continue to work for The Man, I am categorically, indisputably, and unrepentantly against The Man, and so when I am not chained to my desk, I like to do subversive acts in places where The Man cannot see me (but I am sure The Man knows and feels the spit of my subversive communalism on its capitalistic face).

Kitchen required. Unsure of how to use it. Bathroom a necessity, clawfoot tub is ideal, but I’ll take a modern-retro shower with a Grohe Rain showerhead, because that also helps me commune with myself. And nature. And overnight guests. While I eschew enslavement to The Man by owning a large, flatscreen TV, if one happens to be left behind when I take leased possession of said apartment, I will hold my nose and not complain. Exposed brickwork. High ceilings. Pets must be allowed: I need comfort.

Bar downstairs would be great. It will be my living room.

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