Last night, I went out for wine and nibbles with one of my girls, and midway through she sat back from the table and said:
It’s amazing to see you live in your truth.
I had been chattering on about my storytelling class: how great my class had gone the night before, how much fun I had during pre-class drinks with my classmates, and how happy I was that I decided to do this. I was also super stoked that we were sitting outside at a wine bar at 6 on a pleasant Thursday evening, just relaxed and chilled as ever.
I’m 90% sure that I was glowing.
The day before, Wednesday, was the exact opposite. It would not be inaccurate to say that I had been “channeling the hellscape” because I was in the throes of an epic hormonal internal meltdown that had me both raging (quietly) and sad (quietly) and bouncing back and forth between the two states to the degree that I may have been a bad D.A.R.E. commercial because I may have marched into another coworker’s office and uttered the words: “Get me Xanax. I’ll pay for it. I’m willing to take crack right now, I don’t care, I’ll do anything to take myself out of my skin in this exact moment.”
As I said: channeling the hellscape.
Thankfully, my girls saw that I was not myself and sent me home with clear instructions: “Turn on the A/C, get underneath a blanket, breathe.” I did exactly that plus putting a pillow over my head so I could scream into it for 5 minutes and not scare my neighbors before the distemper started to recede, and I got on with the rest of my life.
I got back to my normal self which, in the past few months as I’ve settled into my new home and place, is more genial and pleasant than anyone who knew me before could imagine.
That’s because, as my friend said, I’m living my truth.
That sounds great but vague, so I’m going to make an attempt to describe exactly what it means for me:
- I risk. Barring pre-existing plans, any friend reaches out and says “let’s do something,” 95% chance I’ll say yes. What do I have to lose? Nothing. What do I have to gain? Well, we’ll find out!
- I let things go. Work is still stressful at times. There are disagreements and sometimes hurt feelings, but we all do like each other and we’re all trying to do the best we can with what we have. It’s great to mostly never take it home.
- I laugh. On Tuesday, a sudden rainstorm swept in and I had no choice but to walk home sans umbrella or coverage. I got soaked. The first block? Irritating. The second block? Resigned. The last three blocks? I smiled. I entered my building and my concierge said: “Well, no shower necessary” and I laughed all the way to my apartment because why not? It’s just water. It’ll dry.
- I explore. New wine bar? Let’s check it out. Random festival in the area? Sure! Some place to be and no rush to get there? Let me walk instead of driving or taking an Uber.
- I get excited about little things. I got the 7-11 Pontiac GT toy car for my desk and it makes me smile every time I see it when I come to work. The hooks I put in my bathroom for my swim suits was the perfect solution for how often I’m in the pool. All of the office dogs, even though I’m allergic, give me a kick each day.
And on, and on, and on. There is so much living to be had, so much joy to be found, that I’ve stopped caring about what other people think, I’ve stopped “watching myself” to make sure I’m “appropriate” and “on point” at all times, and I just am. I just get to be.
That’s living my truth.
What thrilled me so much last night was that I didn’t know that everyone sees it, sees me, the real me that after years of being buried deep is now finally loose and she’s getting some fresh air and taking in the sun.
It is amazing!